Are you okay? No? Yeah, me neither.
I don’t know if it’s just what’s going on in the world right now, the energies or what, but my mental health has been bad for months now. Months of darkness it seems like. Like REAL darkness. Everyday seems to get worse no matter what I do. I find myself doing less of the things I use to once love. I find myself staring into space a lot. I find myself thinking negative things more often. It gets harder every day.
Do you talk to anyone about it? Neither do I, really.
I hardly talk to anyone about how bad I’m getting. I keep it to myself… The dark part anyways. Most of the time, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about what is going on. I just deal with it alone… I have dealt with all of my mental health alone lately. It gets hard, like really hard that I keep all these things to myself. I feel like my mental health isn’t important to anyone because I feel like I don’t have people that are close to me like I use to.
Do you know your worth? Because I’m forgetting mine…
I used to feel like I was a strong person… Used to. I feel like that strong person is losing her strength. I stay awake at night trying to think about what my purpose is. I think about if my kids think I’m a good mom. I think about how inconvenient I am to others. I think about everything and nothing. Sometimes my brain is so silent and all that comes out are tears. I just feel an overwhelming and STRONG feeling of sadness all the time. Like the color is gone from my life.
I make sure others know…
I’m always there for others in the exact way I need someone there for me and I think that’s actually hurting me. I feel like either way, I won’t win. I cut people out that hurt me constantly but then in turn, to have no one. It’s a very VERY lonely feeling to have people in your life or right next to you and feel like you are the only person in the world.
What keeps you going?
The only reason I’m still breathing is because of my kids. I have to be here for them, I want to. I just have a hard time wanting to be here for me. They saved me. They’ve shown me unconditional love. I’ll never leave them.