OH MY GOD, I’M STILL BLOGGING. Yes, I’m still alive. I wouldn’t say alive and well per se, and I’ll get into that in a bit. I have SO MANY updates for you guys and I’m just gonna throw them all in one because obviously I can’t just do weekly updates anymore. *Facepalm*
First things first
Well, after a really hard relationship, I didn’t think I would be in or want another one, but… I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and I’m actually truly happy I decided to give him a chance to see if he was able to break down my walls, and he was.
Second, and this one’s BIG
Well… As crazy as this may sound (and it does sound crazy), I’m pregnant! This is also something I thought would never happen again. I was actually dead set on it not happening, my we’re happy about it and my 4 (almost 5) year old daughter is ecstatic about being a big sister.
What I mean by not exactly alive and well per se…
I’m only a little over 10 weeks pregnant and I’ve had “morning sickness” non stop. I mean like bad! If I throw up once, I’m throwing up the rest of the day. I have felt so sick that I couldn’t even move. It wasn’t like this with my first. I’m also having pain with this one in my hips. I’m having heartburn really early too. This one’s going to be rough. We’re hoping for a boy but my daughter wants it to be a girl.
I’ve changed a lot in my life in the past few months… I kicked al the negative people out of my life and I did that before I even found out I was pregnant. I can’t deal with anymore drama and people pretending they are actually my friends.
Back in August, my car broke down for good. It is almost a 20 year old car so I wasn’t willing to put more money into it just to have it break down again, but I got a new car in September. Back in March, I quit my technical support job because I was being treated like shit. I just started my new job on November 2nd and I’m getting paid $2 more an hour than my last job!
A lot of good has happened but my mental health has actually declined…
Bang pregnant has really taken a toll on me mentally, physically and emotionally. It seems like my sad days have increased. My overall tiredness is at its max and I feel like I could sleep for weeks but my anxiety and insomnia won’t even allow me to sleep a full 6 hours.
Even though I know I have a solid man in my life who is going to stick by my side through all of this, I still have a lot of fear caused by my past. My past has left me with a lot of visible scars. There are things I thought I got past but really haven’t and it damaged me more by rushing my healing process.
Don’t rush healing y’all
One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made was rushing my healing and forgiving and letting go when I wasn’t ready to. It worsened my mental health. I’ve bled on those who did not cut me because of it.
When I first started dating my boyfriend back in May, everything was going great for like the first month… Then my anxiety and PTSD from my past kicked in and I started having nightly panic attacks with flashbacks… It was every single night. I finally reached my breaking point and pretty much kicked everyone out of my life so I could try and heal with no distractions. Best decision I ever made because later I found out that the people I kicked out of my life were talking bad about me behind my back. I literally lost all trust for everyone again.
I’m not there yet…
I’m no where near where I want to be mentally but that’s the point of healing. I still have panic attacks almost on a weekly basis. I don’t sleep for more than 4 hours consistently a night and my new thing is nightmares. Yup… I’ve been having God awful nightmares that I’ll wake up feeling so scared from and can’t even talk about, which is not something that’s happened to me since I was a kid.
I’ll attempt to be more consistent
I make no promises, but I’ll try to be more consistent with blogging. Pregnancy brain is real this time around and I’m forgetting everything. It also doesn’t help that I have a lot going on on top of my mental health and where it’s at right now, but blogging has always been an outlet for me so I’m really going to try and do it more.